


Notion of the Broken

by sweaters_for_sociopaths



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Neon Genesis Evangelion: Gakuen Datenroku | Campus Apocalypse, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angels, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Depression, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kaworu is Kaworu, M/M, Shinji has problems, Song:Brand New - Daisy, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?, fuck it this is what it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 08:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14101092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaters_for_sociopaths/pseuds/sweaters_for_sociopaths
Summary: Shinji faces the reality for his existence in the grand scheme of the things and decides enough is enough and it was time. He could not redo.





	Notion of the Broken

           Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I did I wouldn't be poor. This in no way is used for profit, just my sick brain checking out of reality.

 

* * *

 

           It was a small meaningless existence. Shinji Ikari looked up at the night sky, filled with stars, their vast expanse into the cluttered space of the universe. Suddenly humanity became insignificant. The vision before him, shifting to the creature laid out next to him, as his head swiveled to face the sliver haired entity, his only friend. Shinji would call him a boy, but he wasn’t, not really, Kaworu was so much more then humanity. The luminous being had descended from that vastness above him

            Shinji blinked, and his breath caught, suffocating him in his chest, he was a nothing, humanity was a smudge on their blip of a planet. A mountain that had been moved, shown it’s powerless, and nothing more then a heap or dirt and rock; A river all dried up, a shell of its former provision of potential. Humanity and by extension himself were pitiful. As useful as a buoyant less ocean and toxic sky. His heart contacted painfully, meeting the open gaze of his tormentor and savior, Shinji’s only friend, finding new dread in his worthlessness.

            Who had need of a cold sun, that wouldn’t burn hot, Shinji was nervous energy and angry solar flares easily put out. A sad facsimile of a sun like a faceless moon, unable burn bright on its own, faceless, always shrinking away from everything. The angel smiled at him, with eyes unchanging and boundless, brushing his glowing skin against Shinji’s cheek, the feeling of cooling wet being rubbed into his face as fingers swiped those suicidal saline drops. The hand soft and flower petals carded through his course mud colored hair, and Shinji hoped they wouldn’t come back cut to ribbons, with their delicacy. More then ever Shinji felt an unnecessary eye sore.

            Shinji tried to manage a smile back, but his facial muscles couldn’t get his mouth to move in any form of a smile. A great sob breaking from the confines of his throat, as he curled in on himself like a collapsing star. A cold sun indeed. His name brushed against his ear riding on the hot current of Kaworu’s breath. Again, and again, Shinji had to shut it out his name was something no one ever wanted to say, and this ethereal creature had filled the surrounding space with the sound of it, rolling it over his tongue like a sweet delicacy.

            His mind revolted, Shinji’s body followed suit anger and desperation boiling under his skin at the idea of his life leaving a stain on such a kind, gentle being. A waste of the air sucked into his lungs, he was pathetic a ridiculous thing as laughable as a Preacher without a pulpit spewing the same sermon on and on and on.

            “I don’t want to be…” That isn’t what he wanted to say, “God, dammit!” his sentences were jumbled and turbulent as his thoughts, consuming as they catch taking out his thinking processes before it can finish. Shinji rolled himself toward the moon lit angel, a smile still on that perfect being’s lips, he was a paradox both the first and last all in one body. Even when Shinji straddled the young man’s hips and gripped his throat. Still the smile stayed comforting and accepting, a quite unconditional love, like gods love. Those impossibly soft hand stroking his arms soothing, and supportive, dimmed in luminesces.

            The click of heals were heard coming down the hall and Shinji made up his mind. Shinji tried to focus on that, and bury his feeling fast, preyed they would take root, so they would be anchored deep inside of him like grass. Kaworu’s voice broke his calm and increased the flood, with his unhurried voice and sweet smile.

            “It’d be all right, it’s all right.” Pressing Shinji’s hands harder to his own throat, smiling his lovingly, dull smile. “It’d be easier that way.” There was a tiredness to that, and a flinch of a memory slipped over Shinji’s eyes, blood and Kaworu’ s fucking smile. Some notion of happiness, that…that, it was gone, the sharp sting of the memory faded fast.

            The sky opened up and started pouring rain, like it knew it was time to wash it all away, start things over again. Washing away Shinji’s taint from the angelic flesh still pinched under his fingers.

            “I mustn’t run away, I mustn’t run away.” Shinji whispered louder and louder like a magic spell that might save him, only quieting when he leaned down and kissed Kaworu, the red eyes catching his and growing wider even as the smile grew larger.

            “I think, I really was born to meet you, Shinji Ikari. I’m sorry this wasn’t the happiness you wished for.” Shinji squeezing, silencing him with shaking hands, and tear streaked lips and soft tongue. He was unnecessary, useless… human, and look what he had done to the world, this beautiful kind boy. It was time to start things over again.

            It’d be all right, It’s all right.

            It’s easier this way.

            “Let’s not come back, this time let’s just go, together.” Shinji held on tight digging his thumbs in deep, until Kaworu went cold, his glow gone and only the lifeless corpse remained. The heels that we silence at the door were raging clicks like an angry rattle snake as Misato streaked across the room.

            “What have you done Shinji?!” The slap that followed knocked Shinji to the side off Kaworu’s body Shinji gripped his hand as he lay next to him again. His collar activated, and he smiled Kaworu’s smile at her through his fear and tears.

            He embraced the flood, he wouldn’t be alone, Kaworu was waiting for him, He had learned enough not to return. Kaworu could wander the infinite cosmos, Shinji hoped before his brain was snuffed out, that he could too.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I don't even know, this just happened, I'm not sure it even makes sense but have at it.


End file.
